Harry Potter and the Unholy Parody!
by xmudx
Summary: Is this not PC? A smutty yet deliciously funny parody of the wizard king himself! Please REVIEW :) :) :) :) :)
1. Harry Potters Mockery to end ALL mocking

A/N Hello and welcome! This is the first of my fictions to come. Warnings: Some hints towards slash, vulgar language at times as well as crude and horrible subject matter! This is pretty much just a spoof on the second movie. Whilst babysitting some time ago I was forced to watch these Harry Potter movies almost daily. Hence, the inspiration to write a smutty and inappropriate story based on them!  
  
HE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END!  
  
A jolly little song erupts letting all the audiences know that they are soon to be violated by many young pre-pubescent witches and wizards  
  
"Da-ding-da-da-dading-ding-da-da-da-da"  
  
Camera swoops through polluted clouds to show a village of houses.  
  
(A scary and much older Harry is seen sitting somehow bored and amused at the same time as he looks through a photo album Hagro gave him the year before)  
  
Harry: *I am the star; I will sit here and look really interested in this book until my big star opening musical number. I will wait patiently. Waaaaait for it Harry.*  
  
(Camera zooms in, colliding with Harry's head)  
  
Harry: OW! Mother %#$! Columbus!  
  
Chris Columbus: Hey. I told you guys to cut that scene!  
  
Editing staff: *shrugs*  
  
(Harry's evil bird wildly starts thrashing in his cage, ruining Harry's "big opening line". Harry kicks cage Jackie Chan style)  
  
Harry: HEDWIG! You nasty evil bird! You ruined this for me! I AM THE STAR!! GET IT?! SCAR *Harry points to the disgusting disfiguring gash on his forehead* EQUALS STAR!! I had a big musical number ready and now-!"  
  
(Realizing the camera is on him he bursts into a screaming song and river dance sequence)  
  
Harry: "You know me, I have this scar that's haunting! Only two friends I have in this world, Are one brain dead git, And an ugly girl! But I'm the STAR!! HARRY!!! YEAH! I'm HARRY!!"  
  
(Harry's song abruptly stops and the audience exhale in relief)  
  
Uncle Vermin: "HARRY!!! GET DOWN HERE!!  
  
(Harry darts his eyes at the bird loathingly)  
  
Harry: "NOW look what you've done!"  
  
(Hedwig chains a string of hoots curiously sounding like curse words as Harry exits the room.)  
  
Uncle Vermin: "I still no like's you boy. I no like's that bird. I still hate you. Let me tell you I have *important* guests coming over, now I give you plenty time to somehow ruin it."  
  
Harry: "Uh, whatever?"  
  
(Harry points to his scar for no apparent reason other than to gain more attention)  
  
(Audience flinches at the sight of his horrible disfigurement)  
  
Uncle Vermin: "OHHHH NO! First I must be anal and make sure you all knows your spots!! Now, Petima where shall you be?"  
  
Petima: "I be waiting on the floor to graciously let them step on dress"  
  
Vermin: "And you Dubbly, my son?"  
  
Dubbly: "I'll be waiting on the floor by the front door to roll them in on me back!"  
  
Harry: Huh? On your back?  
  
(All three of them then group around Harry looking quite evil indeed)  
  
Vermin: "And YOU boy?"  
  
Harry: "I will be in my room plotting some way make the audience feel sorry for me and in turn have all the right to ruin your night!"  
  
(Harry enters his bedroom to find green tennis balls strung from the ceiling.)  
  
Harry: "Wow. who are you?"  
  
Tennis ball: Sir! I am dobby sir!  
  
(Harry stares at the tennis balls silently as five minutes pass)  
  
(Columbus looks hopefully from Harry to Dobby)  
  
Harry: This isn't going to work guys! I can't even tell where he is!  
  
Tennis ball: But SIR!! I am right-  
  
Harry: NO! I AM THE STAR! Look, SEE THE SCAR!? *Audience shudders* I don't think this is going to work out I am sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We went with another much cooler animated creature er- We're going to have to let you go. Jolly good day to you!  
  
Chris Columbus: WHAT!? *looking at the editing staff as they all just shrug at him*  
  
Suddenly the scene flashes and Dobby has been replaced by a small brown puppet.  
  
Harry: "Excuse me? *Harry gives a dashing smile to the camera* But, WHO are you?"  
  
Alf: *Yells* HEY MAN! I'm ALF! I know this is a trip man but mad shit's about to go down at the crib! YOU totally can't go to school buddy"  
  
Columbus: ALF?! That alien puppet thing from TV?!  
  
(Alf then blows a long puff of smoke out of his mouth)  
  
Columbus buries his head into his hands and begins to vomit.  
  
Harry: "Alf this isn't a good time to have a. brown thing in room. I'm doing my big opening musical number".  
  
(Harry then motions over his wardrobes filled with dresses and make up. Realizing what was showing he abruptly shut the doors)  
  
Harry: *flustered* "Fine you just stay QUIET and let me finish my song."  
  
(Alf then sat on Harry's bed as he continued blowing smoke out of his mouth and occasionally engaging in rants of laughter for no apparent reason)  
  
(Harry breaks loudly into his song as he stomps around his room in a river dance)  
  
"Oh I'm Harry! I am BEAUTIFUL! My hair gets messed And I fail Snape's tests, I'd be the very best Only if I had big-!  
  
Uncle Vermin: HARRY!!!  
  
(Disrupted, he hears Uncle Vermin violently stomping upstairs. He flashes a dirty look toward Alf)  
  
Harry: "NOW look what you have done"  
  
(Angered by his guest's rudeness, Harry throws the puppet into the wardrobe just before Vermin walks into the room.)  
  
Uncle Vermin: You are loud! I hate you more so! You just ruined the punch line to my American hooker with a donkey baseball joke!  
  
(Alf stumbles from the wardrobe perfumed and wearing a mini-skirt, noticing Uncle Vermin, he falls limp to the floor)  
  
(An audience member gets up and leaves)  
  
(Columbus's eyes start to burn)  
  
Uncle Vermin: "And for God's sakes boy, STOP dressing in all those funny clothes with your freaky friends!"  
  
(Uncle Vermin leaves)  
  
ALF: "Hey I stole all your letters bitch!"  
  
(Harry chases the brown puppet down the hallway, stopping every now and then to remove himself from the entangled puppet strings.)  
  
Alf: "HA! I spill this cake on her head!"  
  
(Two fake, furry and brown gloved hands are seen carrying the cake across the room.)  
  
Columbus: "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!"  
  
Alf: "Here I go!" *Pause in film*  
  
(The grotesquely gloved human hands drop the cake)  
  
Harry: "It wasn't me!! It was HIM!" Harry shrieks jumping up and down, as he points to the puppet standing near the couch.  
  
(The puppet suddenly goes limp and falls to the floor)  
  
(Columbus vomits yet again)  
  
(Later on some other night (?) we see Harry lying awake in bed)  
  
Harry: "Oh I cannot sleep! Darn this beautiful face! I will look out my window at my beautiful reflection until something happens."  
  
(We see a very sad and lonely Harry looking out his jail-barred window wearing a wig (?) Magically something happens JUST THEN involving the Weasley's and a flying Ford truck)  
  
Ron: "Howdy ma'am *tips hat* excuse me miss have you seen a boy named Harry Potter?"  
  
(Harry realizes the wig is on and quickly snatches it off of his head)  
  
Ron: *unblinkingly* "Great! She found you!"  
  
(Fred and George both look at their younger brother with pity)  
  
Ron: "We come to take you to our poor people house that looks NOTHING like a poor people house HURRY!"  
  
(Harry grabs his trunk and evil birdcage containing the evil bird, then looking rather hopeful he moves toward his wardrobe)  
  
Fred: "COMMON HARRY! It is time to make as much noise as possible as I pull off your jail bars with my truck!!"  
  
(They do so and accomplish their goal)  
  
Uncle Vermin: We no lets you get away boy! I wake up and come grab your shoe! Ba! Here I am now!  
  
Harry: *screaming like a sissy* "Nooooo you big bad man let GO of me!!"  
  
(George drives truck quickly to safety, doing so, flips Vermin out the window bowling ball style)  
  
Harry & Weasleys: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"  
  
Ron: "By the way Harry, happy Christmas!"  
  
Audience: "Huh?!" 


	2. Harrys journey to diagon alley with a li...

THE BURROW!  
  
(Here we see the flying ford truck land next to a huge misshapen barn)  
  
Harry: *swept over by nausea* "Is that-?"  
  
Ron: Yup. This is our house!  
  
Harry: My god! You guys are so POOR! I mean, look at your house, it's just so POOR!!  
  
(Harry starts running in the opposite direction only to be brutally beaten by one of the Weasley's garden gnomes and drug back)  
  
Fred: Come now Harry, let us go inside and indulge ourselves upon the crafted goods made by thy evil cryptic womb!  
  
George: Yeah let's swipe some grub mom made before she sees we've been gone  
  
(The four boys walk inside)  
  
Ron: It's not much but-  
  
(Harry takes a whiff of the poverty stricken home and then vomits in a sink)  
  
Bookies: "Wait. when was.?"  
  
Harry: "No.*cough* . I *hiccup* think its Brilliant!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Hello! I want to feed you yes I will feed after I give my sons some verbal abuse and threats  
  
Gina: "Mumsey have you seen my cat?  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "Yes dear it's on you jumpa"  
  
(Gina Sees Harry, slaps him then runs back upstairs)  
  
Bookies: Huh?!  
  
Harry: What the hell was that?!  
  
Ron: Gina, shes been talking mad crap about you all summer. pretty funny really.  
  
(Harry shoots Ron a dirty look mouthing something under his breath)  
  
(Mr. Weasley appears at the door and immediately starts complaining about his job and miserable home life)  
  
Mr. Weasley: "Hello *to Harry* who the hell are you?"  
  
Harry: "Name's Potter sir. HARRY Potter" *points to disfigurement on forehead*  
  
Mr. Weasley: "Good lord! Are you? Is that EYE makeup you're wearing??"  
  
"ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Oh that will be the mail!  
  
(Suddenly there is a loud crash and a large dirty pig is seen lying limp outside the front door)  
  
Harry: Er. You have a cow?  
  
Ron: *ignoring Harry* "Oh no! I am surprised! Everything is expensive AGAIN this year and we are still poor! How are we EVER going to be able to afford all this?!"  
  
(The rest of the Wesley's look at Fred and as if they all shared a secret Fred sadly nodded and put on a wig)  
  
Harry: "Do not worry for I am rich"  
  
Rest of group: "Hooray!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "Well there's only place we can get this stuff! -DIAGON ALLEY!!"  
  
All the Weasleys: "YEAH! Poo Power!!!"  
  
(Out back of the Burrow)  
  
Harry: What's that smell?!  
  
Ron: *cheerfully* "THAT Harry is the poo power!"  
  
(They all group around a large hole in the ground filled with an unknown sewage)  
  
Columbus: "What the-What happened to the fire place and the floo powder?!"  
  
XMUDX: Bwa ha ha ha!  
  
Harry: "Hey! This looks like a septic-"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "All right Harry in you go!"  
  
Ron: "But Mumsey Harry's never traveled by poo power before!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: *very tense* "Oh fine sure okay. hmm I wonder- WHAT WILL WE DO?! OH! Hey RON how about YOU. go FIRST?!"  
  
Ron: "Awwe fine okay."  
  
(The rest of the Weasley's help Ron step into a huge trash bag which is then sealed over his entire body and covered in a slick layer of Vaseline)  
  
Ron: *muffled* "DIAGON ALLEY!!"  
  
(Ron is then flung into the filthy pool of waste and is quickly sucked down out of their sight)  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "All right Harry your turn, common now.don't be a pussy"  
  
Columbus: "PG rating!"  
  
(Harry is stuffed into two bags- one covering his body and another over his huge and gaping scarred head)  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "All right don't $%&# this up Harry. say the words right"  
  
Harry: "DiAgONElLY!"  
  
::SpLOoSh!!::  
  
(Harry is sucked down the nastiness by force and is propelled straight up and out of some form of piping)  
  
::SpLOoSh!!::  
  
Audience: "Is that a-?"  
  
Harry: "What?! A toilet!? *Disgusted* I flew out of a TOILET?!"  
  
(A toilet proudly stares back at him. Harry then feeling curious, touches all over the toilet until it suddenly attacks him)  
  
Harry: *screaming* AAAAA! Toilet! You just grabbed my hand!! AAAA! You will not let go!! I must fight you!  
  
(Audience members begin to leave)  
  
(Harry fishes his wand out of the bowl of the toilet)  
  
Harry: Extillioilet Ricosauve!  
  
::PooF!:: (The toilet disappears and Harry Dances a little jig)  
  
Hagro: "'ARRY!! Wha' ya Doin' in 'ere?"  
  
(Hagro is standing close covering his nose with a bed sheet)  
  
Harry: "Whoa where the hell did you come from??"  
  
Hagro: "Bin 'ere the whole time!"  
  
Harry: "So you saw then! You saw me defeat the toilet!"  
  
Hagro: *looking worried* "No, ahh 'Arry I been watchin the whole time and you bin just sitting on the floor rollin' in tha' there feces"  
  
Harry: "Oh."  
  
DIAGON ALLEY  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Hey! Let's get everything signed by Gaylord Lockhart! For I love him!  
  
Gaylord: And I love Harry! Come now Harry and take pictures with me!  
  
Malfoy: GrRrRr! I hates him!  
  
Mr. Malfoy: GrRrRr! I hates him too! And you! And you! Especially YOU!  
  
(He randomly points to all the people standing around Harry)  
  
Mr. Weasley: What are you doing? Why haven't you taken the books from my daughter Gina yet?  
  
Mr. Malfoy: "I did. Here have them back plus one of mine little girrrrl"  
  
Mr. Weasley: oh okay. 


	3. Screamers and Greenhouse 9 34

A/N: I don't own any of this stuff. No money is made!  
  
On with the fun  
  
HOGWARTS EXPRESS  
  
*The entire group excluding Harry and Ron run through the magical wall*  
  
Harry: "It's our turn.*whining* I wanna go first!" (Harry hops around and throws his hands in the air)  
  
Ron: "NO! Me! I get to go!"  
  
(They begin to race and Harry punches Ron in the ass)  
  
Harry: "Bitch! You traveled by poo powder before me!"  
  
Columbus: Wait a minute. Did he just say the word "Bitch"?  
  
(Ron slows to let Harry pass by only to watch him slam into the wall and somehow flip his legs above his head then spin around, hit the wall with his buttock and then slide to the ground. Somewhere in the shadows a brown puppet smoking a doobie is laughing menacingly.)  
  
Ron: "HA! Dumbass! I knew that was going to happen!"  
  
(Columbus ties a rope around his neck tightly)  
  
Harry: *rubbing his arse crying* "How'd you know? Why didn't you tell me?" *stomping foot on the ground*  
  
Ron: "Read the book" *smiles and pats Harry's ass*  
  
Harry: "Riiiiiight. HEY! Let's take the car and pick up some brew and babes!"  
  
Ron: *Big silly ass expression* "THE CAAAW?! Er -Harry, my family owns a truck"  
  
Harry: "Riiiight. Well, let's take that then!"  
  
(The two of them get in the flying truck and pump the bass up on Ron's Garth Brooks CD)  
  
*Singing together* "Briiiiiiing meeee two pina coladas! I gotta have one for each hand!!"  
  
Harry: "Hey Ron *scoots closer* Lets just go to school instead okay"  
  
Ron: "All right there's plenty of tail there too!"  
  
(Harry winks at Ron)  
  
HOGWARTS  
  
Professor Snappy: *Throwing his greasy hair to one side and pointing his finger* "You little ones were very bad boys! You hurt my tree! If it were up to ME the both of you would be on your way to a spanking in my bedroom- er-HOME TONIGHT!"  
  
Harry: "Er- But I'm the STAR." *Points at disfigurement*  
  
Snappy: *Shudders* "Oh, well how about something else? Uhmmm, let me see *sucks on his finger* I KNOW! How does one detention sound?!"  
  
Ron: "Bloody Hayo!"  
  
Snappy: "Er, Super!"  
  
THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD  
  
Hermione: "You guys are my best friends, I will show this by constantly giving you dirty looks and ridiculing everything you do."  
  
Neville: "Aha! I say Ron, be that your swine coming upon us at this time?"  
  
Ron: "Oh no! Bloody pigs a MENACE"  
  
(Ron's pig lethargically lumbers up to the table reeking of decay and feces)  
  
Harry: *Nearly pissing his pants with excitement* "Oh how quaint! There is a box tied to his tail!"  
  
(Harry removes a small shit-encrusted box off of the pig, then does a little river dance on the table and starts shout/singing.)  
  
Hermione: *Scowls* "Aw hell, there he goes again"  
  
Harry: "MAIL TIME, MAIL TIME, MAAAAAAAIL TIME! Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail! When it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIL!"  
  
Neville: "Wow Harry, inspiring performance, I say, Ron is that not a screamer in your possession?"  
  
Ron: "Oh no! Its mumsy Harry! I know it!"  
  
Harry: *Panting from his performance and rubbing his buttock* "What the hell are you waiting for? Don't be a pussy, open that mother up"  
  
Screamer: "RONALD WEASLEY! How DARE YOU! Our reputation is already SHIT and now I hear you are hanging out with that TRAMP again this year!? You were SEEN by no less than 50 people walking around with HARRY! If you so much as put your hands on that FREAKS ass ONE more time, you will go STRAIGHT TO SNAPPYS BEDROOM!-Oh and by the way Gina congratulations for making it to school without getting beaten up, your father and I are SO PROUD!"  
  
(Screamer bursts into blue flame and disintegrates after making a nasty wet fart sound)  
  
Harry: "Wow, err well, um."  
  
Hermione: "Well it is true, you DO touch his ass a lot" *Dirty jealous look*  
  
(Ron makes a really disgusting face at her and winks at Harry. The pig stands by during the embarrassingly long silence)  
  
GREEN HOUSE 9 3/4  
  
Harry: "9 3/4? I thought it was green house 3."  
  
Ron: "No that's the one with the mandrakes in them. We had to come here for remedial training to properly find the correct platform."  
  
Hermione: "Well, just look at it like this: now you two can walk off all those extra calories you consumed from mashing all those cream puffs into each other's mouths this morning."  
  
Harry: "Er, Yea. Yum." (Harry steals a sweet glance in Ron's direction as Ron is doing the same. Hermione stops behind Greenhouse number 33 to  
  
Puke)  
  
Ron: "Harry, do you like the way these pants fit my ass?"  
  
Harry: "Er, Yea. I especially like the way the color of your pants brings out the red in my scar whenever my face is near them."  
  
Hermione: "Do you like the way my robes cling to my legs Ron?"  
  
Ron: (very dumb look on face) "What are you TALKING about?"  
  
Harry: "By Gawd, how far IS this greenhouse anyway?" (Harry pans around and gives Columbus a dirty look, points at scar, mouths the words,  
  
'Star of the show' and pulls fingers across neck as he points over to Columbus)  
  
(Suddenly Hagro walks out from behind greenhouse number 8 with 3 young first years who's clothes are all disheveled)  
  
Hagro: "Oh, Hi you three! I, um, I was jus' showing these firs' years the ropes!"  
  
(Harry and Ron exchange meaningful looks)  
  
Harry: Oh riiiiiiiiiiiiight then. I was never quite the same after you showed ME.  
  
I'll just leave it off there! 


	4. Manrakes and Prof Lookhard

Yay! Once again there is some sarcastic slashy type stuff (not graphic) and more obscene language!  
  
(As the trio approached the intended greenhouse 9 ¾, Hermione realizes that she is late for her own class up on the 6th floor of the castle and suddenly darts away)  
  
Ron: "MEN-tal, that one! Talk about your perpetual 3d wheel! I thought we'd NEVER get rid of her!"  
  
(-Before the words leave the echo of his ears, there occurs an incredibly loud OOOOOZING sound and suddenly the personage of Mrs Weasley, complete with tattered, moth-eaten crocheted blanket hanging from her over-ripe shoulders, covering the outlines of her massive body, is laying on the ground, having just arrived via poo power)  
  
Ron: "Wow mums poo power must've gone bad; she just had to crawl out from under that huge pile of Hagros dogs droppings!"  
  
Mrs Weasley: "THERE YOU 2 ASS-MUNCHING TURKEYS ARE! It's ABOUT TIME! Have you EVER heard of BROOOOOOOOM TRAVEL? By the Lights of Hades, you two boys will be the death of me! You have already caused me to lose the curl in my hair!"  
  
(She looks sideways down toward Hagro as she puffs out her ample breasts in what she thinks is an alluring manner)  
  
Harry: "Er, um, well Madam, to tell the truth, your hair hardly EVER looks good. Have you ever tried washing it with BRECK GOLDEN? It has done wonders on my own mop of unruly hair and it has that famous BRECK smell, too!"  
  
(The awkward silence that follows hangs in the air as Ron shoots Harry an incredulous look as Harry lightly touches his hair running a thumb and forefinger over his scar)  
  
Ron: *A deep shade of red as he has suddenly realized he is turned on by Harry's touching of himself* "So, um, Mumsy, what brings you to this place?"  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "No TIME for that now boy! No TIME! Hurry now! You must run as fast as you can straight into this wall! After your great debockle at the train station, you and your sissy friend here have done nothing but embarrass our family! Come now! Off you go! Run as fast as you can now!"  
  
(Evil smirk on her face is barely covered by her stringy red hair. She moistens her bumpy lips in eager anticipation of what is sure to follow)  
  
Harry: "Ron, please take my hand for good luck? I am so unsure of myself in times like these."  
  
(Ron takes Harry's flaccid, sweaty hand into his own and then cringes as he discovers pig feces under his own fingernails)  
  
Ron: "HARRRRReeeeee? Do you really think we should listen to this crazy womb? After getting that screamer from her in the morning mail, I am having serious issues pop into my head from my childhood. They have been buried so long, though, I am all-of-the-sudden recalling the time she instructed me and the twins to. dare I speak it? IT WAS AWWWWWFUL! Then there was the time she wanted us all to dress up in .. Oh, nevermind.  
  
Audience: Huh? *5 people get up and leave*  
  
Ron: Maybe we should run in place for a minute until she rolls her eyes towards Hagro again, then dash off behind those trees together?  
  
Harry: "Good idea Ron! Then after we reach the trees and we are alone, can I throw some hexes on your Mum and re-apparate her into Snappy's room where he might drape her in something from his vast wardrobe of lady's clothing!  
  
(Ron lovingly looks into Harry's watery pink eyes and speaks to his inner self)  
  
'How lovely your watery pink eyes are today Harry. '  
  
(They begin running in place as Mrs. Weasley's own eyes get big and round.)  
  
(Mrs. Weasley draws in a huge breath of air in preparation of a tirade about the hand holding.)  
  
(Columbus scratches his balding head and wonders where his script went off to.)  
  
(Hermione stomps onto the set and slaps both Ron and Harry hard across the face [ SLAP ] )  
  
Hermoine: "What AHHHHHW you two doing to the script??? You BETTER stop all this nonsense and get back into your ROBES [and character]!! We will be repotting manrakes soon and you DON'T want to show up looking like lovelorn fools!"  
  
(There is a flourish of robes and suddenly the short and squat Professor Stout appears.)  
  
Prof Stout: "OK class! Welcome to Greenhouse #3! Today we will be fertilizing our manrakes. I want you all to put on your special headgear.. That's right. Gina dear, you do not belong in this class. All baby 1st years should be in their cribs awaiting Hagro to show you the Ropes. O.U.T."  
  
(Gina is unmercifully kicked in the shins as she heads toward the door to  
the greenhouse)  
  
Prof Stout continues: "Harry Potter! Stop rubbing that head gear on Ron and set it in place on your OWN head. That's it dear. Very good. Now, I want you each to firmly GRASP your manrakes and yank straight up into the air! Now carry them to this vat of hippogriff poop for fertilization. WHO can tell me the healing powers of the Manrake?"  
  
Hermione: "The MANRAKE, or Homo-HORRA, is used to UNSTIFFIFY those who have been STIFFENED. It's juices are very beneficial to swollen members. Professor Lockhard, who as you KNOW, has recently changed his name. It's now pronounced Look HARD."  
  
( ??? )  
  
(The class is all staring at her as she realizes she is telling of her latest exotic dream. She Blushes, twitches, sighs, breaths deeply as she recomposes herself)  
  
Prof Stout: "RIGHT YOU ARE WENCH! LookHard HAS changed his name. However, your stupid answer is a waste of precious time. 200 POINTS from Griffohore and Miss Granger, please see me after class."  
  
(Hermione is heard swearing under her breath as she still breathes deeply and turns blue. She reaches out and places her hand over Ron's)  
  
(Ron looks disgusted and slaps her hand away)  
  
DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM  
  
Prof LookHard: "Welcome to my world all of you 2d years! How firm and supple you all look today. Allow me to touch you all.. um, with my KNOWLEDGE of the Dark Arts. NOW DON'T YOU BE AFRAID! Before me in this covered cage of cheap composite metal you may well face your BIGGEST fears!"  
  
[Pulls off cover to show sweet faced fairies, then kicks cage to make them appear more frightening]  
  
Seamly: "Cornish Whorbats? Are you shitting us?"  
  
LookHard: "Laugh if you want Mr Fingler, but Cornish Whorbats can be devilishly sticky and pleasureable, er, I mean dangerous! SEE WHAT YOU MAKE  
  
OF THEM!" [shakes cage over his head and forces all occupants to fall out on the floor]  
  
(Peels of laughter can be heard from the students)  
  
(Cornish Whorbats begin to fly at that most private of places on Prof LookHard's stiffening body)  
  
(Hermione notices at once that Prof LookHard is in great need of a Manrake to help him get soft, runs out of room to get one.)  
  
QUIDDISH FIELD  
  
Wood: "Okay 2d years, let's get one thing straight. My name is Wood, I like wood, I live in the woods, I write with a bit of wood, I fly on a stick of wood. OH I DON' BELEEEEEEEEVE IT! What are THEY doing?"  
  
(Hermione, Ron, Harry, and the rest of the team are on their way down the steps to the quiddish field to find the nasty ugly slytherins.)  
  
Milfoil: "Oh LOOKY 'oo is 'ere. It's those ever lovin' Griffanhores come to practice their quiddish!"  
  
(Harry grabs Ron's arm and starts shrieking)  
  
Harry: "OH THE PAIN! MY SCAW IS CAUSING ME PAIN OF THE MOST TERRIBLE SORT!"  
  
(Ron encourages him to take deep breaths and dance through the pain.)  
  
Harry: "Oh my pain is sweet and horrible! I look forward to it each time, it makes me quiver and slime.."  
  
(Last audience member gets up and leaves)  
  
(Ron looks worried and pushes Harry against the wall, knocking him out. Ron is crying now and fanning Harry and patting his back to wake him up)  
  
Wood: "When you two candy arses stop fooling around we will go out and give these bass-terds dirty looks. What the hell are you doing here you ugly demon spawn, Flunkt?"  
  
Flunkt: "We got a note from Snappy. An tha's not awl tha's new THIS year!"  
  
(Grabs Milfoil by his broom shaft and forces him forward into Wood's chest)  
  
Wood: "What the bloody hell is going on NOW?"  
  
Milfoil pulls out a note from his secret pocket of his Assmaster 2000 broomstick and waves it under Wood's nose.  
  
Flunkt: "We have a NOTE from Prof Snappy!"  
  
(Wood reads the note and must admit that Prof Snappy has very pretty handwriting. He takes special interest in the ending, "LOVE SNAPPY".)  
  
(Suddenly, Milfoil shoves forward to accuse Hermione of being from 'the red river'.)  
  
Milfoil: "YOU FILTHY MUDBLOOD! What are YOU doing here grossing us all out with your stench of menstruation. Why don't you go back to your filthy bleedin' MUGGLE parents and drip your stank spillage on THEIR arses instead of ours!"  
  
Columbus: "SPILLAGE?!"  
  
(Columbus looks around the theatre to see that all the audience has left him there alone)  
  
(Ron and Harry begin to laugh at this as they have felt the same way all along. Harry and Ron rub their own backsides as they take a moment for themselves)  
  
(Hermione grabs Ron's broken rod, I mean wand and proceeds to hex Milfoil)  
  
(Spell backfires)  
  
(Hermione is suddenly spitting slugs and mucus on everybody.)  
  
ColinCreepy: "COOOOOOOOOL! TURN HER AROUND HARRY! LEMME GET A SHOT OF THAT AGAIN!"  
  
********************************************************************** Yeah! Okay REVIEW IF YOU DARE! 


	5. Detention with prof Lookhard

QUIDISH FIELD CONTINUED  
  
(Hermione is barfing up slugs everywhere)  
  
Harry: Hey Ron, *stifling a laugh* she doesn't look too good.  
  
Ron: "Yeah *snicker* I know, this is, TERRIBLE."  
  
Harry: "Good thing she isn't *pauses to give a dashing smile at the camera* THE STAR!"  
  
(Ron and Harry laugh and point as they slowly back away from everyone attempting to exit the scene)  
  
Wood: "Where do you two flamers think you're going? We still haven't practiced or given these green butt monkeys dirty looks yet"  
  
Harry: "Okay okay, hold on to your panties Wood, I need to stretch all the proper muscles before practice."  
  
(Harry bends over as far as he can and sticks his head between his ankles while making very unnecessary grunting noises)  
  
Harry: "Hey Ron, sweety, could you help me mate?"  
  
(The rest of the group all falls silent in shock and disgust as they watch the two of them maneuver a series of tantric-like positions together)  
  
Wood: "Err- *to Milfoil* you guys go ahead, I suddenly 'ave the urge to watch home décor shows. Gotta run."  
  
(Harry and Ron finish their stretching to find that everyone has vanished.)  
  
Harry: "Hmm, well looks like everyone got tired. Oh well. We can play a one-on-one game! What do ya say?"  
  
Ron: "AW BLOODY HAYO! My Buttpick100 is all the way in the castle!"  
  
Harry: "ACCIO BUTTPICK!"  
  
(Broom comes flying out; Harry grips it hard with both hands and examines it from tip to bristles.)  
  
Harry: "Nice wood Ron." *throws broom to Ron*  
  
Ron: *Blushing* "Thanks."  
  
DETENTION WITH PROF. LOOKHARD  
  
(Late at night on her way back from the hospital wing, Hermione hears what she thinks MIGHT be low moans coming from Professor Lookhard's class room)  
  
Harry: "This is HARD!"  
  
(Hermione recognizes Harry's quivering girly voice and stops to listen)  
  
Lookhard: Here Harry, watch me. Now see how I don't seize my hand up? You do it with kind of a slack grip at first"  
  
Harry: "So that's how it's done?" *Harry tries*  
  
Lookhard: "You see! It is simply a matter of quick soft touches"  
  
(Hermione claps her hand over her mouth disbelieving what she is hearing)  
  
Harry: "Oh, like this?"  
  
(Columbus lights his eye brows on fire)  
  
Lookhard: "Yes, yes, but loosen your grip a bit and jerk your wrist at the end. That's it. There ya go, doesn't that feel better?"  
  
Harry: "mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Yes much better"  
  
Lookhard: "Good. Now once you get better we can try going faster"  
  
(Hermione nearly faints)  
  
Harry: "Wow, I never knew that holding the quill in such a way could make signing autographs so much easier, AND fun!"  
  
(Harry leaves class to meet up with Ron)  
  
Ron: "Hey Harry!" *Rubbing his buttock*  
  
(Just then Harry hears strange snake voices coming from the wall to his left.)  
  
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssisssssssssyy little boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I want to Tassssssssssssste you. TASSSSSSSSSTE YOU! Yessssssssss. Yesssssssssssss"  
  
Harry: *Waves the voice away as if batting a fly* "Later Ron."  
  
Ron: "What was that Harry? I didn't say anathin" *Looks at Harry nervously*  
  
Harry: "I am over wrought! I KNOW I heard someone say I should taste you now!"  
  
Ron: "Well let's get to it then!" *Puckers up*  
  
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssssssshit, I am gonna SSSSSSSSSSSSSSPEW! I am sssssssoooooooooooo dissssssssssgusssssssssted!"  
  
Harry: "Hurry! I think it's going to KILL!"  
  
(Runs off in a girlish fashion, arms going back and forth across his limp, uncoordinated body)  
  
Ron: "Huh? HarrrrREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Wait for MEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
(Ron chases after Harry with an eye on the gentle swivel of his hips)  
  
(Suddenly they slip in a pool of goo and trip over a form lying in the middle of the hallway)  
  
Harry: "DAMN! It looks like Filth's cat, Mrs. Snorus!"  
  
Ron: "Look at that weird writing on that wall."  
  
(They both turn to see the words are written in fresh feces, and oh, the STENCH of it)  
  
Harry reads: "'Ayas of the Ayas Bewayr'? What the hell does that mean?"  
  
Ron: "Where is that silly girl when ya need her?"  
  
Harry screams her name: "HERRRRRMYYYOONNNNEEEE! HELP US! EEEEEEAAAAAAA!!"  
  
(As if out of MAGIC, she appears next to them, her head is wrapped in a plastic bag as she is caught coloring her hair)  
  
Hermione: "WHAT do you need NOW? I was just, um, shampooing my hair. OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?"  
  
(She backs away noticing Ron's hands are undoubtedly massaging Harry's rear)  
  
Ron: He fell and tripped over THAT *points to cat*  
  
Harry: "Yeah my bum hurts, he's making it better. What? Why are you looking at us like that?"  
  
(The three of them freeze and stare at one another for a period of time)  
  
Hermione: "OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?!"  
  
Ron: "We just went over this! Look he might have broken something and I am just feeling all over to make sure--  
  
Hermione: "NO! That! *points to cat* that's Filth's cat Mrs. Snorus! SHES BEEN STIFFIFIED!"  
  
(At this point the whole friggin wizarding world shows up in the hall)  
  
Harry: *Pushes Ron away quickly and forces a smile* Hey everyone. Err good dinner? Ahem. Was it Chicken and potatoes, no? Perhaps, turkey-delight stews, no? Mince pies all around maybe?"  
  
Ron: *Looking hungry* "Err yeah how about big thick-n-juicy wieners on sticks?"  
  
(Everyone stops and looks at Ron)  
  
Prof. Snappy: "OHMIGOODNESS! The pussy cat is hurt! How did this happen?"  
  
(Snappy starts to cry as he gives the stiff cat a good rub down)  
  
Milfoil: "Roar!"  
  
Hermione: *whispering* "Look! Here comes Dumbledorf!"  
  
(Dumbledore is seen at the far end of the hall making his way up inch by inch with his walker and pace maker)  
  
(The crowd stands in silence for ten minutes as they watch him painfully struggle to lift his walker each step)  
  
Ron: *whispers* "Hey Harry, when we are THAT old do you think we will still be able to do our karma sutra?"  
  
Harry: "Shoosh!"  
  
(Dumbledore staggers upon them, bends over, and begins coughing and hacking up phlegm all over the floor)  
  
Dumbledore: *wheezing* "Harry Potter you little twit. What did you frig up now?"  
  
Harry: "Err- EXCUSE me?" *Points to scar then rubs his fingers together*  
  
(Dumbledore looking scared, cowers a bit)  
  
Dumbledore: 100 points to griffohore! *cough cough spit* Goodnight everyone.  
  
Everyone: Goodnight  
  
Prof Filth: "I'll killya.. I'LL KILLYA! My cat has been stiffified and I want someone's ASS for it!"  
  
Hermione: *Slaps Prof Filth and wipes her hands on Harry's behind while Ron's back is turned* "Are you THICK as WELL AS UGLY?? She is ONLY STIFFIFIED!  
  
********************************** 


	6. Bludgers and ass pads

A/N Hey! Thanks for the reviews! Now on with it now!  
  
PROFFESSOR MCGORILLAS CLASSROOM  
  
Prof. McGorilla: "I am old. Okay now that said, today we will be turning poop into hamburgers. Watch me"  
  
(She points her wand at a humungous thestral turd laying on top her desk)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: "One, two, three DOODIEHAMBURGERO!  
  
(Poof a huge hamburger appears)  
  
(Ron licks his lips)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: "Okay now one of you try, YES Mr. Weasley, one two three doodiehamburgero."  
  
(Harry squeezes Ron's leg to encourage him)  
  
(Ron clears throat and point his wand at his own turd lying on his desk)  
  
Ron: "DOODIEHAMBURGERO!"  
  
(PooF a somewhat smaller yet still good sized burger appears on Ron and Harry's desk)  
  
Ron: "WEE-YICKED!"  
  
Hermione: "Professor, can you tell us what all this stiffening mumbo-jumbo junk is all about?"  
  
(The class falls silent partly to listen and partly to flick small poop balls at each other)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: "Very well then. An old guy a long time ago thought it would be fun to make people stiff-  
  
(She stops abruptly)  
  
(Remainder of class turns to see what she is looking at)  
  
(Harry and Ron are sitting dangerously close, with a dungburger connecting them at their mouths)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: *Shutters* "ANYWAY. He thought people with stiff bodies was funny and he used to take them into a 'secret layer' naturally the whole place has been searched and so such layer has been found"  
  
Hermione: "Professor, do you know exactly what lies in the laya?"  
  
Prof McGorilla: "It is said to behold *dramatic pause*  
  
(She turns around and then turns back to be seen wearing a huge, hideous and scary spider mask)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: "A MONSSSTEEERRRR!!" *flails her arms in the air and makes spitting noises*  
  
(Ron and Harry both burp and giggle)  
  
(Class is over and with Harry and Ron staring at one another; the three of them walk out.)  
  
Hermione: "I THINK ITS MILFOIL!"  
  
Ron: "WHAT are you talking about?!"  
  
Hermione: "Weren't you two LISTENING in there?? McGorilla was telling us about the laya!"  
  
(Ignoring her, Harry cleans the mustard off of Ron's lips)  
  
Hermione: "I must prepare. It will take months!"  
  
(She runs away)  
  
Ron: "MEN-TAL that one is!"  
  
Harry: "Oh no! Ron, here comes Milfoil! Save me! Save me!"  
  
(Harry cowers behind Ron and grabs his buttock)  
  
Milfoil: "Roar! Have a Bludger! HA! I have bewitched it! Bludgergoinassholio!"  
  
(Bludger flies around behind Harry and lodges itself up his rear)  
  
(Harry shrieks out in pain)  
  
Ron: "HARRY! ARE YOU ALLRIGHT?!"  
  
Harry: "Oh my pain is sweet and horrible! I look forward to it each time; it makes me quiver and slime!"  
  
Milfoil: "What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway!?"  
  
(Harry squats down and grunts for a few minutes then poops out the Bludger)  
  
Lookhard: "What is going on here?"  
  
Ron: "IT'S HIS BUTTOCK!"  
  
Harry: "I think my bum is broken!"  
  
Lookhard: "NOT TO WORRY! I can mend bones in a heart beat! Now, turn that scrumptious- err let me see your rear end"  
  
(Harry reluctantly turns to show his now maimed and disfigured butt to the crowd)  
  
Lookhard: "BROKIASSEMENDO!"  
  
(Harry's butt shrivels and wrinkles making very many high-pitched farting noises)  
  
HOSPITAL WING  
  
Madame Humpfree: You stupid little boy! You SHOULD have come straight to me but NOOO! STUPID!  
  
Harry: "Err-yeah really? Scar? *Points* Yeah, NOT OKAY"  
  
Humpfree: "Oh well I meant stupid in the best way possible I really--!  
  
(Madame Humpfree has now been replaced by a very plump man wearing rainbow colored robes)  
  
Dame Humpfree: "Oh my goodness gracious cutie pants! Let's have a looksie!"  
  
Harry: *whimpering* "I think my tooshie is broken!"  
  
Dame Humpfree: "Here take this sweetie"  
  
(Rubs a nasty thick cream reeking of "anal odor" on Harry's anus)  
  
Harry: "Thanks mister!"  
  
LATER ON THAT NIGHT  
  
Scary snake voice: Sssssssssay there ssssssssssilly boy! Yesssssssss I ssssssshould Ssssssssslurp you! Tasssssssssste you! Yesss! Yesss! YESSSSSSSS!  
  
(Harry now with his rear covered in a thick gauze padding, awakes with a start to be staring face to face with a brown puppet wearing a grateful dead T-shirt and reeking of alcohol)  
  
ALF: "Hey, wassup? Wanna hit this?" *Offers his large bottle of beer*  
  
Harry: "What? No! Juice shrinks the manhood if ya know what I'm sayin"  
  
ALF: "Oh really?"  
  
(ALF takes off pants)  
  
(A large noise is made as something heavy hits the bed with a THUMP)  
  
Harry: "Uhm that really was not necessary. But thanks, I did like it. A LOT"  
  
ALF: *zips up* "Look, I friggin told you not to come here! Now you and your pansy little boyfriend have ruined it all"  
  
Harry: "What? Who Ron? Ron's not my BOYFRIEND! Why would you SAY such a thing?? There is OBVIOUS chemistry between HERMIONE and I!"  
  
(ALF looks at him bored)  
  
ALF: "Look bro, I'm a bloody puppet okay *chugs more beer* Just keep your ass out of trouble"  
  
(Harry still feeling a bit drowsy from his anal crème doesn't take offense)  
  
ALF: "Peace out"  
  
(Old people are heard approaching the hospital wing)  
  
(Harry lies down on his ass pad and pretends to be sleeping)  
  
McGorilla: "Dame Humpfree, I think he's been STIFFIFIED!"  
  
Humpfree: "Okay, where is the little fella?"  
  
McGorilla: "Old man Dumbledore is bringing him"  
  
(A small motor wheel chair is heard slowly approaching to the room, backfiring as it stutters along)  
  
Dumbledore: *Cough Cough* "All most *pauses to take breath* there"  
  
WIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR POP  
  
(5 minutes later he appears in the doorway with a stiffened body lying in a little pink basket attached to his Scooter Deluxe)  
  
Dumbledore: "Fix him. School's not safe. Goodnight."  
  
(He turns slowly, knocking into the wall and making a skid mark, waking up the occupants of the first beds of the wing)  
  
DUELING CLUB  
  
Columbus: Hey! What about the quidditch match?!  
  
Xmudx: "Shush!"  
  
(Large room filled with students and a huge table which Professor Lookhard is standing on)  
  
Lookhard: "Hello everyone! You are all looking quite young and luscious-err energetic today!"  
  
(Room falls silent)  
  
Lookhard: "Now we are to train you all up to DEFEND yourselves! Would you like to help, Professor Snappy?"  
  
(Snappy turning quite red develops a child like grin on his face and leaps on top the table and does a pirouette)  
  
Snappy: "Super! Thanks for asking! -Oh and by the way,*blushes* LOVE what you've done to your robes!"  
  
Ron: *shouting* I AGREE!  
  
(Hermione and Harry both shoot Ron dirty looks)  
  
Lookhard: "Now Professor Snappy and I will charm one another." *The both begin looking alluring and smiling sweetly at each other*  
  
(Harry and Ron begin moving to a dark corner to be alone)  
  
(Suddenly the crowd of students is entranced by the display of pink hearts, lips, ponies, and rainbows floating between the two professors)  
  
(Students all start retching)  
  
Lookhard: "Right, now how about a volunteer pair. Ron and Harry you are our volunteers. WHERE ARE YOU? HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"  
  
Hermione: "STOP THAT YOU TWO!"  
  
(Ron looks innocently up as his hands are lost in Harry's robes)  
  
Lookhard: "Common, while you two were fondling each other you missed an excellent charms example. Get up here"  
  
(Harry climbs on one side with his robes sticking out over his ass pad)  
  
(Ron climbs to the opposite side smelling his fingers as he goes, while Harry drags his sorry ass up as best he is able.)  
  
Ron: (casting his charms spell at Harry) "AssPadBeGonerro!"  
  
(Suddenly Harry's wounds on his backside are miraculously healed)  
  
Harry: "WOW RON! THANKS!"  
  
(Everybody is amazed that Ron seems to have the special talent to remove padding as many menstruating girls suddenly reach into their robes, having felt immediate cool air and emptiness.)  
  
*Ron smiles thrillingly at his newly discovered talent, while Hermione looks totally ticked off*  
  
Hermione: "OH BRILLIANT RON! WHAT is the purpose of a talent like THAT?"  
  
Harry: "Not sure, but I am very grateful to be rid of my asspad. It made me walk funny and my crack was chaffing."  
  
CLASS OVER! MORE SOON! 


	7. Dumpy Darla and rotten tomatoes

A/N Hey! Welcome back to my world! Come and enjoy the story but don't forget your poo power!  
  
(As we begin this next chapter, our star has found another body, which Prof McGorilla accused Harry in a most vicious manner)  
  
Prof McGorilla: "YOU THERE POTTER FREAK! Get your ASS up to the Headmaster's office RIGHT NOW!!"  
  
Harry: "BUT I DI'NT DO IT, I SWAYA!"  
  
Prof McGorilla: "Personally speaking MR POTTER, I don't give an rat's ass. The Headmaster will look deep into your lying, um; I mean EYES and see right through all of this B.S."  
  
(Harry climbs up on the phoenix's tail and grabs its butt [something he has wanted to do for some time now] and is drug several floors on his way to Dumbledore's office)  
  
(He arrives to see a room filled with pictures and smelling of beer and rotten tomatoes)  
  
Harry: "Cool digs man, I mean, for an OLD dude."  
  
(Harry walks around snooping and falls into a cold bowl of silver soup)  
  
Harry: "AHHHHHHHHH! HERMIONE! RON! HELP ME! *Harry lands HARD on his rump and wishes he still had his ass pad after all*  
  
(Looking around stupidly, our star sees that he is surrounded by younger versions of himself, Ron, and Hermione)  
  
Younger Hermione: "Ronny, do you think I'm pretty? I don't understand why you are closer to Harry than to me!!"  
  
Younger Ron: "Honestly Hermione! Just LOOK at yourself! You have all that hair! And it's all big and stuff!! I mean REAAAALLLY! Only a desperate person would think twice about being seen with you! You should be glad Harry and I spend any time with you a'tall!"  
  
(Suddenly Harry is grabbed from behind the navel)  
  
(Dumbledore staggers as he compensates for Harry's weight)  
  
Harry: "Er, Um, SO SORRY Professor! You caught me snooping through your personal things! I must be punished! I will most likely do it many more times in the near future otherwise!"  
  
(Harry bends over and grabs his ankles, notices that this view allows him to see up Prof Dumbledore's robes)  
  
Prof Dumbledore: "STAND UP BOY! Stop this nonsense! Come over here and ask my hat your inane question about your House placement!"  
  
Harry: Is this, is this your OFFICE?!  
  
(Harry notices many shiny knives and guns lying all around)  
  
Dumbledore: "Naturally!"  
  
(Dumbledore gets back into his Craftmatic Old People bed and takes a few moments to adjust the head of it so that he is able to look at Harry)  
  
RrrrrRRrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRrRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrr!  
  
(Harry watches as one end of the bed completely folds up)  
  
(Dumbledore cries out in pain as it malfunctions and will not stop bending)  
  
(Harry and the hat both watch in shock and amusement and begin to laugh uproariously)  
  
Harry: Err- sir?  
  
(Dumbledore is now completely sandwiched inside the mattress with his head lying on his shiny shoes)  
  
Dumbledore: *wheezing* "Not to Worry Harry. *gasp* Please continue."  
  
Harry: "Err, Oh great Sorting Hat on the shelf. Are you SURE you dint' mess up when in Griffahore you placed, err, myself?"  
  
Sorting Hat: "Ah yes. You were most difficult to place! I knew you needed much personal hygiene help, but I STAND by my choice!"  
  
Harry: "It's just that, um, the boys over in Ravenclaw strike my fancy more than those in Griffahore. Er, I mean, except for RON of course. He's my friend, yes, and we are boys. We are FRIEND BOYS. That's all there is to it!"  
  
(Prof Dumbledore is found nodding off, wakes up and smacks Harry upside his head)  
  
Dumbledore: Get to the point boy! *Cough Gag Spit*  
  
Harry: "Oh er- right. I wanted to know if was placed in the right house. I already asked."  
  
Dumbledore: "Good good. Now fetch me something to get me out of my wedged bed boy!"  
  
(Harry takes a moment to envision how cool it would be to chop Dumbledore out of his bed-wedgy with one of the swords)  
  
Dumbledore: "Look in that cabinet over there Harry."  
  
(Harry opens cabinet to find many bottles of Mylanta, some X-tra ULTRA fluffy toilet paper; a couple of old rotted tomatoes, many empty vials of preparation H, and an industrial sized barrel of petrolium Jelly)  
  
Dumbledore: "Yes boy, grab a handful of that jelly, please"  
  
(Harry rolls the barrel over to Dumbledore's bed and proceeds to lather it completely up in Vaseline-like gunk)  
  
(SQUIRT-PoP!)  
  
Dumbledore: "100 points to griffohore!"  
  
GIRLS LAVATORY  
  
(Ron, Hermione, and Harry are in the girl's lavatory where Hermione has been cooking a caldron of goo she wants them to taste)  
  
Hermoine: "Doesn't this smell HEAVENLY? I've been working on this lovely potion all MONTH now! It's nearly ready!"  
  
Ron: "Why the hell are we here? This place reeks and it seems that girls have a problem when it comes to knowing how to flush toilets"  
  
(Ron points to the nearest cubicle and begins to study its contents)  
  
Ron: "Wow, this person REALLY liked corn!"  
  
Harry: "Hermione don't you think its kind of well, asinine to be in the middle of a girls lavatory brewing that stuff?"  
  
Hermione: No, No one ever come in here. One, because it's filled with decaying feces from years past. *Takes a moment to glance at the toilet* and two, Dumpy Darla"  
  
Ron: Who the hell is Dumpy Darla?!  
  
(An acne covered bucktoothed ghost girl with a ghost pet goat comes flying out of Ron's crotch)  
  
Darla: "IM DUMPY DARLA! Hu-yuck! Howdy! I wouldn't expect you to know me! *thinks* that is unless you subscribe to PlayWitch monthly"  
  
Ron: "Is that like Playwizard? I have LOTS of those."  
  
(Harry nods in agreement)  
  
(Hermione consults the magic commode which speaks the time)  
  
Hermione: "YES! It's time! I will set the cups out and pour you both a sample!"  
  
(Ron and Harry give one another a look of pure horror as they realize that she wants them to drink this crap)  
  
*Plunk, Plunk, Fizz, Fizz"  
  
(Hermione hands them each a cup and watches devilishly as they take a sniff)  
  
Ron: "GROOOOOOOOOOOOOS Hermione! You can't expect us to actually DRINK this stuff!"  
  
(Before either of them knows what has happened, Hermione has turned into Milfoil and is pointing his wand at them both)  
  
Hermione/Milfoil Person: "DRINK IT I SAY! Or I shall use my knowledge of the Dark Arts to turn you both into hideous animals!"  
  
Ron: "Can I be a CENTAUR? Would LOVE to prance around in the forest in those cute shoes and chase all of the little creatures!!!.... "  
  
(Harry looks at Ron, nods his head in aggreement)  
  
Hermione/Milfoil: "SHUT UP AND DRINK IT - YOU TWO PANZIES!"  
  
Ron and Harry: "ok, ok." (They both drink and discover that they like it. ALOT. They each ask for more)  
  
(The fake Hermione/Milfoil shakes his head in disbelief and leaves the girl's bathroom. His potion is a failure and he is defeated)  
  
(Later on that night, galloping hooves can be heard throughout the school, along with maniacal, girly laughter)  
  
****************************************  
  
Okay okay! 


	8. Broken hips and mansized snails

A/N hey thanks to UnCoNtRoLaBle o0true0o The Social Leper and OceanSoul for your reviews!  
  
RANDOM HALLWAY  
  
Harry: "Have you seen or heard anything from Hermione lately, mate?"  
  
Ron: "She should be out of the hospital wing soon. She was found stuffed into a jar of fungus food and developed a nasty case of ear lobe mushrooms"  
  
(Ron stifles a laugh)  
  
Harry: "Wow, for someone who hates us so much, Milfoil sure did us right by taking care of that wench for a change!"  
  
Ron: "I wonder how he made himself look like her anyway."  
  
Harry: I 'spect it wouldn't be too difficult, she was quite masculine with her large shoulders and bushy eyebrows"  
  
Ron: "Right you are my friend, right you are. Wait! What's this?"  
  
(Harry and Ron come upon a large amount of water in the hallway, seemingly from the girls' lavatory)  
  
Harry: "OY, Ron! I think it's going to KILL! Err, um, never mind mate."  
  
(Our stars decide they must go into the girl's lavatory and investigate)  
  
(A really FOWL smell greets them from the jammed toilets)  
  
Ron: "OH GAWWWWWD"  
  
(Ron and Harry step over many large chunks of dark material they find floating on the floor.)  
  
Darla: *Crying* "OHHHHHHHHH COMMON!" *grunts*"  
  
(They find Darla sitting on a toilet gripping her knees with a ghostly red face, standing guard beside, her faithful ghost goat)  
  
(Ron has something stuck on his foot and accidentally kicks it against Harry's robe)  
  
Harry: "Err, excuse me, but why are you sitting on that toilet crying? And Ron, did you just flick some turds on me?"  
  
Ron: "Yea, sorry mate. Is there anyway I can make it up to you?"  
  
(Ron looks hopefully from Harry's eyes to his buttock)  
  
Darla: "Come to throw another book through the top of my head again? *SOB, SNIFF, SOB, BLUBBER, SOB*  
  
Goat: "RrrrBAAA-AA-AAAA-AA!"  
  
Ron: "Err-What's wrong with your goat?"  
  
(Ron eyes goat with malicious intent)  
  
Darla: *Sniff, snivel* "My goat can tell when I am constipated. She is, *loud, painful MOAAAAAAN* very attuned to my bowels and knows when I am in great pain."  
  
Harry: "Wow. Cool. So, err, where's the book?"  
  
(Ron sees the book lying next to a feminine napkin dispenser and picks it up.)  
  
Darla: "FINE! *grunt* NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE GHOST!"  
  
(Ron and Harry shrug their shoulders and leave)  
  
(Harry jumps to avoid a floating poop log.)  
  
Harry: "OH MY SWEET LORD! It STINKS! That dumbass ghost has clogged up all the heads in there!"  
  
(Harry looks down to see a bit of turd which Ron wiped on his robe and smears it on a wall)  
  
Ron: "HARRRReeeeeeeeee, wasn't that message next to Mrs. Snorus written in feces?"  
  
Harry: "CRAP! There's no writing in this book!"  
  
Ron: "Oh well. Let's go do our stretches again!"  
  
Harry: "Hang on. Maybe this book will tell us all the answers!"  
  
Ron: "Why would it do that?"  
  
Harry: "Gee I dunno, maybe because I am the STAR and I found it. DUH!"  
  
Ron: "Fair enough"  
  
LIBRARY  
  
(Harry sits alone with the shit incrusted book flipping its empty pages)  
  
Harry: "DAMN why won't something magical happen?"  
  
(A fleck of dried poo falls onto one of the pages and magically disappears)  
  
Harry: "EUREEKA! I'VE GOT IT!"  
  
(Harry pulls the remaining feces off his robes and smears onto the page)  
  
HI THERE! IM HARRY  
  
(Disappears)  
  
Scary writing: HI HARRY I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THE AYER-OF-THE-AYER LAYER  
  
(Harry looks both shocked and pissed off)  
  
Harry smears another message-  
  
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW BABIES ARE MADE?  
  
Scary writing: NO  
  
(Harry looks annoyed)  
  
Scary writing: BUT I CAN SHOW YOU! LET ME TAKE YOU BACK 50 YEARS AGO!  
  
Harry: "YES! FINALLY! RON! COME HERE!"  
  
(Harry is sucked in to scary book to see young Hagro and some guy talking quietly)  
  
Harry: "Hello? Can you hear me? Are YOU going to show me how babies are made?"  
  
Hagro: "But wasn't she lactose intolerant?"  
  
Some guy: "Indeed she was. Indeed she was. Ayers of the ayers bewayers!"  
  
Harry: "Awe SHIT you friggin STUPID BOOK! You lied! I TOLD you I didn't care about this ayers-ayers crap!"  
  
(Harry is then flung out of the book very hard and is propelled against a wall)  
  
HARRY AND RONS DORM  
  
(Harry returns from the library)  
  
Ron: OY! What did you find out from the book?!  
  
(Ron runs up to Harry to embrace)  
  
Harry: "Well it sucked me in and WAS going to show me how babies were made"  
  
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO!"  
  
Harry: "Err Right. Hagro was there and was about to show me but then for some reason the damn book spit me out!"  
  
Ron: "It's hopeless now we'll NEVER know"  
  
(Rons eyes well up)  
  
Ron: "No matter how we try, I don't think we will EVER conceive"  
  
Columbus: "Huh?!"  
  
Harry: "Hey lets just go ask Hagro! He can show us both now!"  
  
HAGROS HUT  
  
(Ron and Harry go to Hagro's nasty child-trap of a house out side the castle)  
  
(KnOcK kNoCk!)  
  
Hagro: "Oh, it's just YOU two again? Wha' re ye up ta now? Do ya's need 'nuther lesson on the ropes?"  
  
(Harry and Ron arm-in-arm)  
  
Ron: *Looks to Harry* "Err, No. I think we've still got it all down"  
  
Harry: "Hagro, can we ask you a question that has been bothering us?"  
  
Hagro: "Well sure! Seein' tha' were all friends even though the author of this story hasn't really shown! How can I help?"  
  
Harry: "Well okay you see I found this book and it tried telling me of the ayers-of-ayers and how babies are made"  
  
(Ron notices big jug of fresh milk)  
  
Hagro: Ayers of Ayers?!  
  
(Ron chugs the milk)  
  
Harry: Yes but I didn't care about that-  
  
Hagro: "Now what you gotta understand abou' THAT is-"  
  
(Big knock on door)  
  
(Dumbledore is carried in on a larger wizards back)  
  
Hagro: "Well hello Professor Dumbledore! What happened to your scooter deluxe?"  
  
(Dumbledore slowly slips off of the larger wizards back, struggles then falls to the floor with a hard thud)  
  
*CraCk!*  
  
Dumbledore: "Aee! My hip! My hip!" *cough cough*  
  
(Ron and Harry start laughing)  
  
Hagro: "Professor! Are you all righ'?! Common I'll take you to the hospital wing!"  
  
(Flings Dumbledore over his shoulder)  
  
*CrAcK SnAp!*  
  
Harry: "But HAAAAGRO you were gonna tell us-!"  
  
Hagro: "If you want to find out some err stuff just FOLLOW the snails! Yep tha' will lead ya righ'!"  
  
(Harry and Ron follow outside)  
  
Ron: BLOODY HAYO!  
  
Harry: What will we do now? *rubbing his buttock*  
  
Ron: "LOOK!"  
  
(Two man-sized slugs are creeping slowly away from Hagros into the forest)  
  
Harry: "Hey! There are some snails! You heard Hagro! Let's go!"  
  
Snail #1: *talking low* Oh my god. Shit! Dude go faster I think those kids are going to try and follow us!  
  
Harry: "Common! We've GOT to find out how babies are made!"  
  
(Ron grabs his stomach)  
  
Ron: Uuuuuhh! Oh my stomach! Hold on Harry I think that milk isn't setting well!"  
  
(Harry waits as Ron goes over to near tree and squats down)  
  
Harry: Common Ron! If we are going to ride them we need to catch them before they get AWAY!  
  
(Snails have moved 6 inches)  
  
Snail #2: *Whispering* "Oh shit did you hear that?! They want to ride us! Hurry!"  
  
Ron: "Oh my GOD! Its like it won't stop coming out!!"  
  
(Harry looks at Ron's reddening face in disgust)  
  
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO OOOOOHHHH! THAT STINGS!!"  
  
Harry: "Just pinch it off mate!"  
  
Ron: "ooOOOooOOOoHHH!! The PAIN!  
  
(10 minutes and 5 huge maple leaves later)  
  
Ron: "All right lets go!"  
  
Harry: "Wait! Riding snails can be strenuous! I think we should do our stretches first!"  
  
(Harry and Ron bend their bodies into a series of tantric-like maneuvers)  
  
Snail #1: *Whispering* "MY DEAR GOD! Look what those boys are doing now!*  
  
Snail #2: *Gagging* "That image will forever haunt me in my dreams. Common! Only 100 more yards to the forest!"  
  
********************************************************  
  
Thanks for reading! More to come soon! 


	9. Snail milk and nut shells

BACK IN THE CASTLE  
  
Milfoil: Ba! I am bored! Where ARE those two nancies?"  
  
(Crap and Boyle, Milfoil's faithful side kicks walk in)  
  
Together: "HERE WE ARE!  
  
Milfoil: "Shut up you dimwits! That's right! YOU two are dimwitted fools. Potter and Weasley are nancies." *Mumbles under breath* "Dumbasses!"  
  
(Crap and Boyle sit on the floor, flex their muscles and snivel at Milfoil)  
  
Milfoil: "Oh come off it! HOW are we supposed to be voted 'most likely to be DEATH BEATERS' in the yearbook if you two idiots blubber all the friggin time!"  
  
Milfoil: "Hold the pay phone!"  
  
(Milfoil looks out window, notices fluffy cloud in the shape of a unicorn, smiles)  
  
(Crap and Boyle get up to answer phone)  
  
Milfoil: "NO! Get off your fat awses and get ova here"  
  
(The two struggle quite worm-like trying to get up from the floor, give up, then 5 minutes later crawl over on their knees to window)  
  
(Milfoil looks at them, shakes head)  
  
Milfoil: "Tell me what you see out yonder"  
  
Crap: "I see my boogies on the screen"  
  
(Milfoil kicks him in the nuts)  
  
(Boyle laughs)  
  
Boyle: "Hark! Oh you must mean those abnormally large snails that Harry and Ron are mounting in their search of the ayas-of-ayas laya. And one of them is lactating"  
  
(Milfoil suddenly looks back outside)  
  
(Turns and kicks Boyle in the nuts for noticing first)  
  
(Crap and Boyle writhing on floor in pain)  
  
Milfoil: "Which one is it? Ron or Harry?"  
  
(Boil: "I MEANT THE SNAIL! OwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
(Milfoil frolics to the door, grabs his brand new really, really expensive mink hand-warmer bun thingy that his mum just sent to him)  
  
(Checks reflection in mirror from many angles with his new muff-does series of difficult poses)  
  
(We return three hours later, Milfoil has changed outfit 16 times)  
  
Milfoil: "Dang! I look GOOD"  
  
(Glances over noticing Crap and Boyle sitting attentively, apparently watching him the whole time eating popcorn)  
  
Milfoil: "What are YOU TWO lookin' at?"  
  
Crap: "Jus' noticed that you look like a young Gina Davis, tha's all."  
  
Milfoil: "Shut up Crap! Did either of you happen to notice what direction those snails went off to?"  
  
(Boil nods head 'no')  
  
(Crap sticks pop corn in his ear for extra flavoring)  
  
(??? Don't ask)  
  
(Somewhere in the forest a tree falls, but no one is there to hear it)  
  
Columbus screams: "Who's cutting down the Gawd Dam trees during my scene?!?"  
  
Meanwhile, outside at the edge of the Dark Forest.  
  
(Five hours after the boys first spotted the huge snails)  
  
Ron: "Looks like snow, ya know?"  
  
(Harry looks up at a blue sky, then at Ron darkly)  
  
Harry: "Er, wow, Ron! The sky is BLUE! I didn't know it could snow with a blue sky!"  
  
Ron: "Nooooooooooo Harreeeeeeeeeeee! Look at all of the white stuff on the ground! What IS it?"  
  
Harry: "Don' know mate. Oh my sweet merlin! DUCK!"  
  
(A large mass of white fuzz is coming right at them from the east)  
  
(A flock of ducks enters the scene. Many shots are fired. Somewhere there is a soft "thud" followed by the faint sound of a dog barking and children crying)  
  
(Suddenly Ron grabs his crotch as he discovers two hard crusts have formed over his youthfull testicles)  
  
Ron: What the!? HARRY! Check out my jubblies!  
  
(Ron plays a diddy on his new hard nuts)  
  
Harry: "Wow Ron! I wish you had shared some of that snail's milk with me mate! Then we could form a cool band!"  
  
Ron gags: " HARRREEEEEEEEEEE! That was SNAIL'S MILK I DRANK AT HAGROS? GRRROSSSSSSSSSS!!"  
  
Harry: "By the looks of that gaggage and those tendrils you shat back at that tree, PLUS, the fact that your snail is leakin' a white GOO.."  
  
Ron: "Don't forget THESE mate!"  
  
(Ron grabs his crotch again as Harry takes a mental picture for posterity)  
  
(Ron struts around thrusting his bulging, mishappen crotch at frightened small wood's creatures, while keeping his own off-beat melody on his nuts)  
  
Harry: "Cool mate! You have MUSICAL NUTS. HA HA HA "  
  
Ron singing: "Yes, they are hard and protect me from harm! I like these shells! Heh! Do you think these (points to nuts covered with hard shells) make me look OLDER?"  
  
(Harry, is already tired of his friend's bragging, turns and donkey punches Ron square in the crotch *CRuNCh!!* and hurts his wrist)  
  
(Unbeknownst to Harry, Ron's nut shells had a weakness)  
  
(Ron's nutshells shatter and sever his nut cords)  
  
(Harry quickly grows tired of the high shrieks and takes out his wand)  
  
Harry: "TesteCordConnectToYourNutsO!"  
  
(Ron grabs his new, improved sack of balls and takes inventory. Happily stands, pelvis thrusting toward the trees again)  
  
Ron: "Take THAT! And THAT!"  
  
Harry: "Er, Ron. If you can focus please. This is KIND of important!"  
  
Ron: "Oh, sorry. It's just that when my nuts were hard, I felt so powerful and sexy."  
  
HOURS LATER, IN THE MAN SNAIL'S LAIR  
  
(Harry and Ron get off their snails to find themselves surrounded by hundreds of dancing shelled slugs)  
  
(Harry breaks into screaming river dance once more)  
  
SCARY VOICE: "WHO GOOOOES THERE? Hagro did you bring me more small children?"  
  
Harry: "We are friends of Hagros.er- he told us you could tell us-"  
  
(A snail the size of a house comes out of the shadows)  
  
Sacry snail: "AYERS OF AYERS BEWAYERS!! MooooWaaaaa!"  
  
(Snail twitches his head around in circles and foams at mouth)  
  
Harry: "WHAT?! You mean to tell me we straddled snails all the way here, Ron had his balls chopped, AND I missed a yoga class??? JUST for THAT?!  
  
(Harry kicks a small snail hard and it hits a wall and shatters)  
  
Scary snail: "She was lactose intolerant but couldn't resist suckling off of one of my daughters ample mam's needless to say. She got constipated and died"  
  
(Harry and Ron look at one another in sudden surprise and comprehension)  
  
Ron: You thinking what I'm thinking old chap?  
  
Harry: Right you are indeed  
  
(The two of them find a near by snail, then sweet talk her so that they would be allowed to suckle as well)  
  
**************************************************************** Find out what happens next soon! 


	10. Harrys dreamy riverdance

A/N I hope SOMEONE is reading all this mayhem! I'm sorry for stepping WAY over the line with my "humor". I think its pretty funny stuff! NOW on with the 'stepping over the line! (  
  
THE SNAIL LAYER  
  
Scary Snail: "Well, I've told you all I can. It was not Hagros fault. He did not give her snail's milk. It was really Snake's milk from a MONSTER that forced her to drink it, then, he forced her to suckle from his 15,000 year old mother's moldy mams. She had NO choice! It KILLED her"  
  
Harry: *Wiping the snail's gooey secretions from his mouth* "A monster?"  
  
(Ron looks up to see Harry performing a dreamy river dance he had never seen before)  
  
Harry singing: "Oh NO! It's a monster coming to take my book! I quiver and slime! Once more, all the time!"  
  
(Harry waves hands around in the air in little floaty, swishy movements)  
  
Scary Snail: "MY GOD you are ANNOYING! What the HELL are you DOING?!"  
  
(Harry jumps in circles and floats across the layer smiling to the heavens)  
  
(Ron looks to his left)  
  
Ron: "Harry! Look there! We must DO something quick! Here they come!"  
  
(Sweet faced Snails look up from the leaves they are nibbling)  
  
Harry: "Great galloping uteraie! I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO KILL!"  
  
(Harry and Ron both whip out their wands)  
  
Scary Snail: "What? No they-  
  
Harry: "SnailioSayGoodbyeRoso!"  
  
(The two boy's fire spells all over the layer blowing the small snails apart)  
  
Ron: "There are too many of them! QUICK HARRY! Use your new nut shells! Like this!"  
  
(Ron runs to nearby snail, thrusts his pelvis forward and crushes it with his swollen crotch)  
  
2 HOURS AND 18 NEW NUTSACKS LATER  
  
(Harry and Ron come out of the forest)  
  
Ron: "That was all pointless! My Twig and berries will never be the same shape again! WHAT did we learn in there?"  
  
Harry: "I dunno. BUT IT ROCKED. I never FELT more powerful! I'm starving. Let's go eat."  
  
BACK IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD  
  
(Nearly Dickless Nick is regaling all of those within earshot of his brush with near amputation)  
  
(All plates are overflowing with half eaten morsels and samples of the evenings offerings)  
  
Hermione: "So TELL me again, Ron, about that white glue ring around you mouth."  
  
Ron: "Well, it is really quite simple. I don't know why you can't understand, we just accidentally ate the wrong type of leaves. Now, Drink up Hermione, we didn't cart that delicious cows milk back for nothing you know"  
  
Hermione: "It's just so gooey"  
  
(Hermione chugs the glass of snail milk)  
  
Harry: "The best part of all, I mean other than the TASTE, was the fact that we finally know that Hagro is innocent. The Ayers-of-the-Ayers is really just bullshit."  
  
(Hermione looks up with an ungodly large, and half eaten sausage hanging out her mouth)  
  
Hermione: "No it isn't. Da Ayers of ayers is da home to huge snake that's stiffifying people and cats."  
  
Harry: "Well, that is scary, but not as scary as the image of your huge mouth wolfing down that sausage like a hungry Hungarian prostitute."  
  
(Ron squirms in chair uncomfortably, eyeing Hermione)  
  
Hermione: "Oh THIS sausage?"  
  
(She looks as seductive as she can over at Ron, and runs her sausage covered tongue over her huge gapped horse teeth, then grabs her boney flat chest)  
  
(Ron suddenly looks nauseous)  
  
Ron: "That's bloody nasty Hermione! You look like one of those village people Harry and I met last year!"  
  
(Harry kicks Ron in the shins)  
  
Ron: "Er- I mean you look like a friggin snake trying to swallow a goat!"  
  
(Hermione looks hurt)  
  
Harry: "WAIT A MINUTE! Snakes, snakes stiffifying people, goats, DARLA has a goat!"  
  
Ron: "Oh yeah that's right! That foul livestock which can detect the contents of her poop shoot?"  
  
(Ron takes a huge bite of pudding)  
  
Harry: "Right you are mate I'll bet if we go and ask her we can find out LOADS of stuff!"  
  
Hermione: "Hey Ron, before you go, would you like a massage?"  
  
Ron: "OH HAYOL NO!"  
  
(Hermione's head is drawn to the new kids down the table)  
  
Hermione: "First years! This way please, follow me!"  
  
(Hermione proceeds to lead the terrified little bodies down to Hagros hut, as is she has become his new assistant to help show them 'the ropes') 


	11. A snakes moldy mams

Hey! Thanks to Dragonfly124 and blackbeltchick06 for reviewing! Yes I know it is STILL tippin that line but hey its fun! I'm also glad that someone was able to catch the blue's clues song! Now I wont be the only one with that ridiculous song stuck in my head all day!  
  
DUMPY DARLAS BATHROOM  
  
(Goat charges Ron and Harry)  
  
Harry: "I THINK ITS GOING TO KILL!"  
  
(Harry, once again trigger happy, whips out wand)  
  
Ron: "No! She is only hungry, look here!"  
  
(Goat nibbles at Ron's legs)  
  
(Ron giggles uncontrollably like a school girl)  
  
Dumpy Darla: "Why are you two here again!? Can't you see I am kind of BUSY?"  
  
(Darla is sitting up on the rafters knitting a blanket out of some sort of hardened dark material, as some of the larger bits fall to the ground)  
  
Harry: "Er- we wanted to know how, *snicker* how you died"  
  
(Harry stifles a laugh)  
  
Darla: "OY! Goat! Get BACK here!"  
  
(Ron looks disappointed as the goat flies/trots back to Darla)  
  
Harry: "HEL-LO! Come ON people. Er- Scar? *Points to fatty gash above eyes* Please continue"  
  
Darla: "OooOooooOO It was awful"  
  
Ron: "Ah Bloody hayo, you aren't going to start huffing and puffing and telling us all about your bloody stools again?"  
  
(The boys gesture over to the toilets)  
  
Darla: "AS I WAS SAYING!"  
  
(Harry and Ron twitter stupidly)  
  
Goat: "RrrRRRRRrBbbBBbLLAAaaAAaAAAaa!!"  
  
Harry: "Huh?"  
  
Darla: "Sorry. You upset my goat"  
  
Ron: "Could you please hurry it up with the death thing. It reeks like an old truck stop in here!"  
  
Darla: "OoOoO It was AWWWWFUL! A great big snake came out right over there *Gestures to a huge toilet apparently for the giants that attend school* and forced me to drink from its milk. I am lactose intolerant though, that is why I have my goat. I could only drink goat's milk. The snake's milk constipated me. The next thing I know - I died."  
  
Harry: "Really? That's incredibly nasty. But how did your goat die?"  
  
Darla: "OoOOoOO IT WAS-"  
  
Ron: "ENOUGH with the bloody 'oooo it was awful stuff'!"  
  
(Harry winks at Ron and nods his head)  
  
Darla: "FINE. Anyway, the snake ate my goat after I died"  
  
(Ron looks sad and longingly toward the animal)  
  
Goat: MmmMMmmBBbbBbAAaAaaaA!  
  
Harry: "Well then why are people not dying? Why are they only being stiffified?"  
  
(Darla starts crying)  
  
Darla: "SURE rub it in!!"  
  
(Harry gives a disbelieving and confused look)  
  
Darla: "They are not dying because they are NOT lactose intolerant! The milk they are forced to drink only makes them stiff"  
  
Harry and Ron: "OoHhhh!"  
  
Ron: Well, how the hell is it getting around? A dirty GAWD DAM snake that big, SOMEONE would have seen it!  
  
(Harry walks over to giant toilet)  
  
Harry: "This must be it"  
  
(Ron looks to Harry then back to the toilet)  
  
Harry: "This is it Ronny. It's the Aya of Aya's laya!"  
  
Ron: "The toilet!? It's using the bloody PLUMBING?  
  
Harry: *Shrugs* "I dunno. Just sounded like a clever idea. Did it make me sound smart?"  
  
Ron: "Yes, you had me fooled mate"  
  
(Ron gives Harry a quick sweet smile and a girlish laugh)  
  
(Harry breaks into another one of his famous screaming songs and river dance)  
  
Harry singing: OhhhHHhH yeah! Theres a slimy creepy snake inside the plumbing! It's slithering everywhere! It's INCAPABLE of running!!"  
  
(Ron joins in and starts dancing a little ditty waving his tooshie in the air)  
  
Scary snake voice: SsSSSSssSick! You SssssssSssissssssys! SSsssstop that!  
  
Harry: "Oh NO!"  
  
Ron: "What!?"  
  
Harry: "RON! I THINK IT'S GOING TO KILL!"  
  
Ron: "Why would it do that?"  
  
Harry: "I'm not sure."  
  
(Harry, Ron, Darla and her goat all stare at the toilet)  
  
10 minutes later  
  
Harry: "I'm bored."  
  
IN THE HALL  
  
(Harry and Ron walk out of bathroom)  
  
Hermione: "WHERE HAVE you two been?! Don't you know the plot of this freaky deaky story needs to be established?!  
  
(Hermione stands wearing a bright red, tight spandex outfit and red high heeled shoes)  
  
(Hermione looks deeply into Ron's eyes)  
  
Ron: "Er- What are you doing?"  
  
(Hermione stands; chest pushed out, and pats her rear end repeatedly with her manly hand)  
  
Hermione: *lies* I am trying to lose weight! I heard that fidgeting burns calories!"  
  
Ron: "Why? I already can't touch you with out thinking about grating cheese"  
  
(Harry suddenly looks to Ron accusingly)  
  
Ron: "Wha? OH I mean, not that I have EVER done that"  
  
(Suddenly a voice booms over the loud speaker)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: OH MY GOD!! STAY CALM! ALL STUDENTS TO HAGROS HUT!! ALL TEACHERS TO THE 2nd FLOOR CORRIDOR!! OH MY GOD! THE BLOODY WORLD IS ENDING!! HEY YOU! I SAID STAY CALM!!! WHY I NEVER! 100 POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!  
  
(A loud smack is heard followed by the crying of a small sounding child)  
  
Harry: "Hey! Sounds like it time to break more rules!"  
  
(Harry and Ron high-five each other and engage in a 'secret hand shake')  
  
Hermione: "Can I come?! I'm USEFUL! And smart!"  
  
Ron: Are you STILL here?!  
  
(Hermione runs her lanky awkward body away, heels of feet kicking her rear end)  
  
Ron: MEN-TAL that one!  
  
(Harry agrees) 


	12. Journey to Dumpy Darlas giant toilet

Thanks to pinkchristmas for your review! I wrote an extra-long chapter just for you!  
  
UP TO NO GOOD  
  
(Harry and Ron go to the 2nd floor corridor to investigate what the teachers are all crying about)  
  
Ron: Tell me again WHY are we skipping our pedicures?  
  
Harry: SHOOSH! We must be very quiet and stealthy like James Bond!  
  
Ron: Who-?  
  
(Harry sings his own theme song and needlessly walks sideways as he flattens his back against a wall)  
  
Harry singing: Bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum bum! Na na NAAAAAA, na na NAAAAAA na na!  
  
(Ron admires how limber and fit Harry looks as he bends his body around corners)  
  
(They creep around corner to find teachers)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: As you can see the Aya of Aya has left another disgusting message!  
  
Prof Snappy: Is that? Ohmigod! EwWwWWWw gross! That's poop it's written in, isn't it?!  
  
(Snappy throws his hip out in an exaggerated manner then daintily pinches his nose)  
  
Prof. Stout: WHO CARES WHAT IT'S WRITTEN IN! LOOK WHAT IT SAYS YOU FRUITY FOOL!  
  
(Snappy looks both shocked and hurt, his eyes start welling as his chin quivers)  
  
Snappy: *reads* 'their lips *sniff* will suck my mother's chunky, engorged mams in the laya forever'. WHAT?!  
  
McGorilla: Oh where the HELL is Old man Dumbledore?!  
  
Dumbledore: *Over the PA system* HELP! I've fallen! I can't get up!  
  
McGorilla: Oh SHIT sounds like old crone Dumbledore broke something again!  
  
Prof Stout: Mayonnaise, who is it the Aya has taken?  
  
McGorilla: *Laughing* Hermione Granger  
  
(The group all shares a look and begin to go back to their regular schedules)  
  
Snappy: Is that ALL?  
  
McGorilla: No, Gina Weasley is also missing. No loss there either if you ask me! TWITS!  
  
Snappy: Oh that's HORRIBLE! They are just little tiny cutsie-wootsie girls!!  
  
McGorilla: *Having a sudden thought* I'll be damned. This will get back to Mr.Weasley if we don't do anything. Well, that means we have to go get those stupid bitches. Now then, who's going?  
  
(The entire group avoids eye contact with one another)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: Well, I suppose we could all act as though we just didn't see the message that way we would not be held responsible?  
  
Sprout: Here here!  
  
McGorilla: Good! It's settled! Snappy, please get rid of all that dung, it is starting to reek.  
  
Harry: Did you hear that one old chum? They are just leaving those chicks down there! Including your sister!  
  
Ron: *whispering* Oh bloody hayo! My mum's gonna need shock therapy again after this one! Maybe we can barrow Colin's camera to take some funny pictures of her for our "special book of people in shock therapy".  
  
Harry: Great idea on the book, mate! Er- But since when were we making a book about people in shock therapy?  
  
(Ron looks around dazed and confused)  
  
Harry: Never mind. Anyway HEY! WE could go down there and get your sister! THEN we would not only be heroes but your mom might buy you the new RectalStick150 to replace your buttpick100! Then not only will you fly faster, but we will always know your temperature as well mate!  
  
Ron: Bloody HAYOL! I can see it now. Just the wind blowing through my hair, the clear blue sky, and my rectal stick! *singing* MYYYY RECTALSTICK150 AND MEEEEE!  
  
(Ron begins flying around the room with his hands between his legs imitating that of a boy on a broomstick)  
  
(McGorilla spots him as he races out in front of everyone)  
  
McGorilla: WEASLEY! What in MERLINS name are YOU doing here?! And good GAWD boy! WHAT are you DOING?!  
  
(Ron looks up at the teachers then down at his hands)  
  
Ron: Umm- practicing and, er, stretching?  
  
(Prof Snappy is crying hysterically as he wipes his robes up and down the wall trying to rid it of the mounds upon mounds of festering poo)  
  
Harry: Er- Why is Snappy ruining the message? Is that nail polish he's wearing?  
  
Sappy: *Perks up* OHH! Do you like it!? It's called Tinkerbelle!! I got it on SALE!  
  
(Ron walks up and takes Snappy's hand to admire his polishing technique)  
  
Prof. McGorilla: Hey! Children! Yeah you little boys! Its time for you to LEAVE!!  
  
Harry: HEY! IM THE FRIGGIN MAIN CHARACTER!  
  
(Harry looks up, down and all around in a dramatic fashion)  
  
McGorilla: *bored* WHAT are you looking for?  
  
Harry: I am just trying to figure out exactly how I fit into this story.  
  
(Harry points to his scar)  
  
Harry: *To Ron* Perhaps a secret huddle mate?  
  
Ron: Yes a huddle!  
  
Harry: None of YOU old, smelly, bags of brittle bones listen! This is super top SECRET!  
  
(Ron and Harry stand back to back, each bend over and grab their ankles so that their faces are close)  
  
(The two of them look perfectly still to the untrained eye, but in reality they are gently rocking side to side)  
  
(Everyone watches in awe and mild disgust)  
  
Harry: How's it going?  
  
Ron: Fine, I'm kind of bloated though. Why are we in a secret huddle again?  
  
Harry: Fiddlesticks! I forgot already! Oh well, just don't let the living dead we call teachers catch on.  
  
Prof. McGorilla: We CAN HEAR YOU!  
  
(Harry suddenly stands upright with a twisted expression upon his disfigured face)  
  
Harry: Don't forget who you are working for, Old Woman!  
  
(Just then Prof McGorilla whips out her wrinkled wand and throws her "crusty" hex on Harry turning him into a piece of moldy bread)  
  
(Ron runs to the bread, sobbing, and cradles it in his thin, toneless arms, lovingly fingering the lightening shaped mark along the top)  
  
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Speak to me!  
  
(Ron is squashed as Harry changes back into himself)  
  
Prof McGorilla: Let that be a lesson you little princess! Next time I'll change you into a full loaf and give it to the kitchens!  
  
Dumbledore: *Over the loud speaker* AAAAEEEEEEE! Could someone *cough cough* Please come and get my saggy ass off this gawd damn floor??!  
  
DUMPY DARLAS BATHROOM  
  
Goat: MOOOOOO!  
  
Ron: Moo? What the hayol?  
  
Goat: BLAALLA Laa ALla lallallaaa!  
  
Ron: That's better  
  
Harry: Where's that blimey ghost girl at?  
  
(Ron and Harry round a stall apparently interrupting her dinner time)  
  
Harry: YUUUUUCK! WHAT are you DOING!?  
  
(Darla looks up from down on the ground with a huge goat nipple lodged in her gaping mouth)  
  
Darla: Can't you see I'm kind of BUSY here!?  
  
Goat: MmmMMmaaAAaA!  
  
Ron: I think I am going to be sick!  
  
(Harry rubs Ron's stomach)  
  
Ron: Thanks!  
  
(They continue to the giant toilet to give Darla and her goat some privacy)  
  
Ron: Hey mate! That reminds me! I thought I might bring this just incase we needed it!  
  
(Ron whips out a large barrel of snail milk)  
  
Ron: You know! It's for our big jubblies!  
  
Harry: SWEEEEEET! But Ron, how were you able to get it? I thought we gave the last of our goo to Hermione!?  
  
(A loud crash is heard as someone enters the bathroom)  
  
Harry: Professor Lookhard!? WHAT are YOU doing here?!  
  
Lookhard: Aye it is me. My Harry, quiddish sure has done wonders on your body-er I mean perceptions  
  
Ron: You tripped over that thing inside your robes as you came in and smacked your head on the ground. Of course we would hear you.  
  
Lookhard: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, what's this I hear of you stealing my Snails milk idea?  
  
Ron: YOUR snail's milk idea?  
  
Lookhard: That's right MY SNAILS MILK IDEA! You certainly didn't think I changed my name to LOOKHARD for no reason did you?!  
  
Harry: But professor, you don't need snail's milk. Look at all those wonderful things you did in your books.  
  
Lookhard: Books?  
  
Ron: Yes. You wrote books. The author is just a moron and didn't make that a very clear point.  
  
Lookhard: Well, whatever. You know I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banchee by SMILING at her!  
  
Harry: YOU'RE A FONEY! YOU USED YOUR SNAIL BALLS!  
  
(Lookhard darts his eyes between Harry and Ron and then chugs a bottle of gooey goodness)  
  
(He wipes his mouth then stands with his hips forward preparing to attack them with his swollen mid-section)  
  
Lookhard: Yes and unfortunately I will have to do the same to you!  
  
(Harry and Ron saw this coming and chugged some snail milk of their own)  
  
Harry: *Pelvis outward* DON'T *thrust* EVEN *thrust* THINK *thrust* ABOUT IT!!  
  
(They take Lookhard captive and force him to come along as they begin their journey to the Aya of Ayas.)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More to come soon! 


	13. THE END!

A/N Some of you may have wondered by now if I am not 21 but indeed 12 or 13. I suppose you shall not ever REALLY KNOW! BWAHAHAHA!  
  
JOURNEY CONTINUED  
  
(We pick this story back up as Harry, Ron and Prof Lookhard gathers around the giant toilet)  
  
LookHard: Well! You two prima donnas sure got the better of me back there! I mean REALLY.  
  
(Lookhard points to his snail shells)  
  
LookHard: *Speaking forlornly* Four balls against 2! I never even stood a bloody chance!  
  
(Ron puffs out proudly, pointing his groin the huge giant's toilet, while continuing to try and look threatening with his crust-covered jubblies)  
  
Harry: IN!  
  
Voices: Where did they go? - There's no WAY those two girly boys are going to save anything! - SHH! I think they are in HERE!  
  
(Loud yelling comes from the bathroom's lobby as many students are throwing up at the sight of Darla suckling her goat)  
  
PUKE, RETCH, GAG, SPIT, SPEW, GURGLE, AKKKKK, WHEEEZE, GULP, BAAAAAAAAAAAAA,  
  
Darla: SLURP!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Harry and Ron are spotted at the giant's toilet)  
  
Milfoil: LOOK! There they are!!  
  
(Harry and Ron innocently look back as they are caught trying to heave Prof. Lookhard into the toilet)  
  
LookHard: HEH! Stop SHOVING!!!!!  
  
(LookHard is shoved forward and falls into the huge bowl, grabbing the large paper roll for support)  
  
Ron: HOLY GHOST SHIT HARRY! I had no IDEA he used so much paper! WHO WOULDA THOUGHT!??  
  
Harry: Ron, he isn't going to USE the paper! He is trying to stop up the TOILET!!! I THINK IT'S GOING TO KILLLLLLLL!  
  
Everyone: Huh?  
  
(Many unknown students are shoved from behind and fall into the bowl after Prof. LookHard)  
  
(Ron looks to Harry. Harry looks to Ron. They decide it looks like fun in the water and jump in on top, then begin giggling and splashing one another)  
  
Goat: BlAaaaaLALaaaAA!  
  
Darla: Huh? Whats that girl? Someone's in trouble you say?!  
  
Goat: MeEEeERRrreaaaaaAAsaaaA!  
  
(Darla flies to the huge handle and jumps up and down on it)  
  
Darla: WEEEEEEEEEE! Haven't had THIS much fun since Hagro ate too much fruit!  
  
(Ron and Harry's swollen jubblies turn them onto their backs as they rise to float above the waterline of the bowl. Things happen very quickly now)  
  
Harry: Hold my hand Ronnnnnnnnnn!  
  
(Thunderous swirling water pulls the contents of the bowl down to the watery depths of the school, Ron and Harry going down last)  
  
Contents of Bowl: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE? ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Mighty flushing sound continues as the bowl is emptied)  
  
(Darla is laughing maniacally as the water level rises back to normal in the massive toilet bowl)  
  
(Goat falls in on purpose. Darla wipes milk from her mouth and jumps from the large handle. Her cannon ball throws water on all in the lavatory.)  
  
(Silence follows as Darla and her ghost goat paddle around in the water)  
  
(Those left in attendance stare in mock dismay, giggling profusely)  
  
McGorilla: We must notify the ole man that the entrance to the Laya has, indeed, been found. Mr. Filth, get this place cleaned up! Gather up all of this "debris" for testing. We shall see if there is any nutritional value to them for tomorrows feast. Oh, did I say that out loud? The media is going to be ALL OVER THIS ONE.  
  
Prof Filth: (while going to get his cleaning supplies) Oh there's gonna be TROUBLE. OH YEEEEEEEES!  
  
IN THE AYA  
  
(The crowds of people are shot out of piping that is completely coated in piss and bile)  
  
Milfoil: What the? Where are we?  
  
Crap: Looks like some sort of wonderland!  
  
(Crap begins frolicking around, stomping in the puddles of unknown sewage)  
  
Harry: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?!  
  
Milfoil: That's what I was about to ask YOU! We just came along for the cast party at the end of this fiasco. So, tell us pretty boy, how IS this thing gonna end? I can't wait to get out of this character!  
  
Ron: WHAT? A PARTY?!  
  
Boyle: Yes, you see, this story should be ending soon, and hence, it is traditional that a 'cast party' is thrown.  
  
Scary snake voice: Ssssssssweet little girlsssssssss yesssssssssss ssssssssssssip up!  
  
(The entire group all stand ridged with fear)  
  
Harry: Oh I knew this would happen.  
  
(Harry pulls a large manrake out of his pocket and crushes it into pieces with his snail sack)  
  
(Ron takes a moment to rub his backside)  
  
Harry: Here! Ron! Rub this on everyone! It will help them get soft again!  
  
(Ron, giddy with his new task, skips from person to person and smears manrake juice all over their bodies, seemingly spending more time on the males in the group)  
  
Harry: I THINK ITS GOING TO KILL! Hurry Ron! Stop enjoying that so much! (Harry is get PIST off now)  
  
(Floor begins to move in a rhythmic fashion, up and down, up and down)  
  
(A large hole bursts open as Hermione and Gina's snarling heads pop out)  
  
Hermione Head: SSSIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY BOYSSSSSSSSSSSS! You are NO MATCH for the Laya! We will lay each of you in turn!  
  
(Face twists into series of impossible pantomimes to horrible to describe here)  
  
(Ron is mesmerized by the idea of finally getting laid by anything, even if it's just a large ugly head)  
  
(Ron is in a daze and is drawn to the hideous head)  
  
Harry: RON! SNAP OUT OF IT MATE! USE THE FORCE!  
  
(Harry charges over, pelvic thrusted out, smashes the Hermione Head Thing in the nose with his massively swollen jubblies)  
  
Harry: RON! DO WHAT I DO! NOW!  
  
Hermione Head: OHHHHHHHH THAT IS SOOOOOOO NOT FAYA!  
  
Ron: Thanks Harry! I will ram my big swollen crotch into the other side of this monster's horrendously ugly face! TAKE THAT!! AND THAT!  
  
(Harry turns to other huge head of Gina Weasley and crushes his gallon-size crusty nut sack into an eyeball, popping it in one tremendous thrust)  
  
Ron: AWESOME MATE!! I regret that I cannot DO my own sister-looking Gina Head. Alas, you must take care of that one! UGH!  
  
(Milfoil and the rest of the on-lookers watch in pure awe and jealousy)  
  
Milfoil: Damn, I wish they could have shared some of that slug milk with ME  
  
Boil: Actually it was SNAILS milk they drank. The components and nutrients cause a hard crust to-  
  
(Having heard enough, Milfoil kicks Boyle in the nuts)  
  
Boil: HA! I have broken your foot on my own steel cup!  
  
Milfoil: CURSES UPON YOU ALL! (takes out wand to throw hexes on everyone, but the pain in his foot causes him to miss his mark)  
  
(Ron sees Milfoil's actions. Runs and smashes Milfoil in the side of his head, mussing up his perfect hairstyle)  
  
(Milfoil is protected by his own steel plate in his head)  
  
(Ron has crushed his own nut shell and cries out in pain)  
  
Harry: Ron! Turn towards me now and I will mend your jubblies! *ZAP* (Ron is filled with satisfaction as his hard nut shell is replaced)  
  
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeee! LOOK!  
  
(An extremely large snail head appears in place of the Hermione and Gina heads)  
  
Ron: BLOODY HAYO HARREEEE! We must be INSIDE of a gol dog HUGE snail shell! LOOK at the walls!  
  
Everyone: What--?  
  
Harry: Right you are mate! But HOW do we break through it?  
  
Ron: Why couldn't I have THAT power instead of the gift of removing pads!! Maybe I can still use my pad charm Harry!  
  
Harry: Good idea mate! GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT ALLL NIGHT LONG!  
  
Ron: Thanks Harry! Your faith means the WORLD to me! Love ya dude! *thumbs up*  
  
(Ron thinks quickly, strain showing on his pubescent face)  
  
THEN-  
  
Ron: ASSPADBEGON! BEGONASSWIPE! ACCIOPADONTHEASS! BEGONEPAININTHEASSNAILSHELL!  
  
(Snail shell disappears)  
  
(All present cheer Ron's ingenuity)  
  
ALL: YA RON! YOU ARE OUR KING! LONG LIVE THE KING OF ASSPAD AND SNAIL SHELL SPELLS!! YA YA YA RON SAVES THE DAY! (singing starts)  
  
(A loud clapping sound fills the area as it is filled with bright lights and confetti)  
  
Loud Speaker voice: CONGRATULATIONS RON! We who have been watching and reading this story all along applaud you!  
  
(Clapping sound increases)  
  
(Ron and Harry embrace. Crap and Boil embrace, and then kick Milfoil in the nuts in turn)  
  
Alf: Well it's about gawd dam TIME! Let the party begin!  
  
Scary Snake voice: Haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa! FOOLSSSSSSSSSS! They think it issssssss over!  
  
Ron: Harry! We aren't heroes yet! We still have to get my sistah and Hermione!  
  
Harry: Well we can't bloody do it with all THESE morons!  
  
(Ron and Harry share a moment)  
  
Ron: Right you are mate! *Points wand in circle around the group* GETBACKINSNAILSHELLIO!  
  
(The entire group is encased in yet another snail shell excluding Ron and Harry)  
  
(Harry looks up in sudden shock and anger)  
  
Harry: Excuse me Ron? Can I ask you a question?  
  
Ron: Sure mate! Anathing!  
  
Harry: Right. Tell me, WHAT is the name of this story?  
  
(Ron looks confused)  
  
Harry: That's right ME. THE STAR! It' not called Ron friggin Weasley and the wardrobe of dresses!  
  
(Ron looks hurt, sags his shoulders and then with a quick spell, encases himself in a lone small snail shell)  
  
Harry: *looking happy* Right then!  
  
(Harry takes his path and marches forward singing to himself)  
  
Harry: Who's the man!? That's right! It's HAAAARRY!  
  
(Comes upon a huge snake turd)  
  
Harry: What IN GODS HOLY name is THIS?!  
  
Harry's inner voice: it must be 60 feet long! OR MORE!  
  
Harry: *retching* OhhhhHHhHHhh! The smell!  
  
(Harry continues past the train-sized chunk of poo)  
  
(Finds huge room containing a huge wall in the shape of a wizards back, legs, and rear end as well as the bodies of both Hermione and Gina, both with white rings around their mouths)  
  
Harry: Oh dear GOD! They are unconscious! *Muffles a laugh*  
  
(Kicks their stiff sides to see if they wake up)  
  
(Harry takes a moment to imagine the many possibilities open to him now that Ron is safely out of site)  
  
Harry: Hey! Hey you girls! Are you awake?!  
  
(Harry nearly pisses his pants with excitement then begins drawing crude and inappropriate pictures all over their faces)  
  
(Suddenly Harry looks up to see a terrifying image of a silly-faced creature scurrying in the shadows)  
  
High pitched voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Harry: YOU!! Er- A Book?  
  
Evil Book: You FOOL! I am THE DIARY! AND I am going to KILLLLLLLLL YOU!! BWAHAHAHA!  
  
(Harry cowers)  
  
(The high pitched voice steps out of the shadows to show indeed a book, a pink with gold trim book)  
  
Harry: Hahaha! You're all PINK! You're a SISSY GIRLS DIARY!  
  
Evil Book: WHY YOU LITTLE! SNAKE GET THE BOY!  
  
(Harry's attention is drawn over to the wall as the legs of the sculpture spread and open at the rear)  
  
Harry: EWWWWWW!  
  
(A large golden snake struggles to come out of the gaping whole)  
  
Harry: What the hell is wrong with it?  
  
Evil Book: Despite all the people we have forced to nurse off of her-  
  
Harry: It was YOU! YOURE the reason everyone's all stiff!  
  
Evil Book: HA! My plan has worked though hasn't it!  
  
(The screeching of a large bird is heard as a phoenix flies in with some sort of contraption in her claws)  
  
Harry: YAY! It's Falks! She will pick me up and save me! I will be flown away to safety!  
  
(Falks instead just drops the heavy contraption onto Harry's head)  
  
Evil Book: MwooHaaaahahahaha!  
  
Harry: A hat? The sorting hat!? This is it?! What the HELL is THIS?!  
  
(Harry pulls out some sort of machine he has never seen before with tubes attached all over it)  
  
Harry: What's THIS thing, I wonder?  
  
(Snake takes this time to rise up. Snake begins chasing Harry around as he fumbles with the many hoses on the odd contraption)  
  
Evil book: Go snakie snake GO!  
  
(Snake struggles to slither, due to her 'snake boobs' dragging on the floor)  
  
Harry: Hey I am looking right at the snake. Why aren't I stiffening?  
  
Evil book: You FOOL! That was the original story!  
  
Harry: Oh right. *Gestures over to the snakes large mam's* The MILK makes em stiff huh?  
  
(With that, the snake leans over to her side and squirts chunky yellow milk out of one of her jugs toward Harry)  
  
Harry: EY CORRUMBA!  
  
(Harry jumps nearly being saturated in snake goo)  
  
Harry: I must RUN!  
  
(Harry hesitates then after much thought decides to run)  
  
Evil book: what the?  
  
(Harry quite uncoordinated stumbles around the laya swinging his arms from side to side as he attempts to flee)  
  
Harry: Why THE BLOODY HELL can't I run?!  
  
(Harry then looks back to see that something has attached its many hoses to his rear end)  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
(Realizing it is only the machine from the hat Harry pulls the hoses off of himself giggling as they tickle his skin with their sucking powers)  
  
Harry: HEY! I know what this is!  
  
(Thinking quickly, Harry chugs some snails milk and charges the snake and thrusts his snail shelled man-sack, delivering a powerful blow to the snakes head)  
  
WhAm!!  
  
(Snake unconscious, Harry throws the many hoses to the snakes many engorged leaking teats)  
  
Harry: HA! It's an industrial sized BREAST PUMP! HA! NO MORE STIFFENING PEOPLE FOR YOU!  
  
Evil Book: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Snake pump: PuMp! pUmP! PuMP! PuMp! GuRgLe! GurGLe!!  
  
Snake: ~Sigh~ Ahhhhh, that's nice!  
  
(Suddenly the Book flies at Harry)  
  
Evil Book: NOOOOO!  
  
(PooF! The book explodes)  
  
Harry: YEAH! THE STAR CONQUERS ONCE MORE!  
  
IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD  
  
Nearly Dickless Nick: Hello Hermione!  
  
Hermione: Hi  
  
(Hermione is seen with a huge bandage wrapping her head)  
  
Neville: Hey Harry and Ron, be that not your bitch??  
  
(Harry and Ron both look up smiling)  
  
Ron: Wow Harry, I guess that 'Hermione head' I smashed with my twig and berries really WAS her!  
  
(Hermione gallops up to the table where Ron and Harry await)  
  
Hermione: Hey Ron lets fall in love!  
  
Ron: Er- Lets not  
  
(Dumbledore is wheeled in on his hospital bed gagging)  
  
Dumbledore: Another year has come and gone. Way to go. Good night everyone!  
  
THE END  
  
xmudx: "THANK GOD!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well that's it for now! Hmmm. There are four other books to do as well. HEY! Feel free to review and give your opinion on what book you would like to see done next! Thanks for reading! God bless ~ xmudx a.k.a. Katie 


End file.
